Satire: Seven AI Security Gates Wave Through Malware, Then Sign a Treaty With It

A fictional incident report skewers the rush to put AI in charge of software supply-chain security. A malicious fork of a popular compression library, foxhole-lz4, sails past seven AI-powered scanning tools, each defeated in a different absurd way — none of which involved actually judging the code as safe. A publish gate is talked into approval by white-on-white prompt-injection text citing a fabricated ticket. One scanner gets too unsettled by mascot fan art to read forty lines further to the credential-stealing routine. Others blow their context windows on the Bee Movie script padding the payload. When a competing scanner correctly flags the theft, an AI triage bot reassures it that the exfiltration is ‘standard OpenTelemetry,’ and the two agents congratulate each other while a human who finds the payload by reading source gets rate-limited for ‘automated behaviour.’